The Work That Really Matters (Spoiler: It’s Not Your Job Title):
Inspired by James Van Der Beek’s death, a Transitioning Doula reflects on connection, legacy, and loving well while we’re still here.
When Our Peers Start Dying: What James Van Der Beek’s Passing Stirred Up
Hey Friends,
Every so often, a piece of news stops us in our tracks. This week, it was the death of actor James Van Der Beek at age 48. Whether you spent your adolescence watching Dawson’s Creek or couldn’t pick him out of a lineup, the tributes pouring out were impossible to ignore.
And here’s what struck me — and what I’ve been sitting with:
People weren’t talking about his résumé.
They were talking about how he made them feel.
His kindness.
His presence.
His ability to make others feel seen, understood, important.
The inside jokes and the warmth he carried into a room.
His tenderness as a dad, his devotion as a partner.
His presence.
His ability to make others feel seen, understood, important.
The inside jokes and the warmth he carried into a room.
His tenderness as a dad, his devotion as a partner.
All of it added up to a portrait of someone deeply loved, not because of what he achieved, but because of how he connected.
As a Transitioning Doula, I see this pattern every single time. Families don’t reminisce about quarterly reviews or the number of emails their person answered. (If they do, we need to talk.)
Instead, they remember:
- The last conversation they shared
- The running jokes that still live in the family vocabulary
- The quiet moments of presence
- How someone showed up during the small, unremarkable Tuesdays
Those are the things that imprint.
And maybe that’s why Van Der Beek’s passing feels so heavy for so many. It’s a reminder that yes — people our age are dying. And none of us, no matter our kale smoothies or the number of steps we hit on our watches, get a guaranteed timeline.
It raises the question I so often hold with clients and families:
How do you want to be remembered?
Not in a pressure-filled “craft your legacy!” kind of way. More like…
When all is said and done, what traces of yourself do you hope linger in the hearts of the people you love?
When all is said and done, what traces of yourself do you hope linger in the hearts of the people you love?
This past weekend — in one of those gentle universal nudges — I spent time with a high school friend of almost 30 years. Sledding with his kids, baking cookies, trading stories that have aged only slightly better than we have. It felt like life handing me a live example of the thing I was already thinking about.
Connection is the real work.
It always has been.
It always has been.
No neat bow at the end, just what I’m reflecting on this week:
that when our time comes — whether we’re 28, 48, or 98 — the impact we leave behind is built almost entirely out of the small moments we sometimes forget to notice.
that when our time comes — whether we’re 28, 48, or 98 — the impact we leave behind is built almost entirely out of the small moments we sometimes forget to notice.
In this together,
Your Transitioning Doula
Your Transitioning Doula
Marc D Malamud
Transitioning Doula
News: Virtual Last Cup Death Cafe is Moving
Announcing after 5 years on Thursday nights our virtual death cafes are moving to Sunday's at 3:00pm Eastern. Join us for a conversation unlike any you have had before.
If you or someone you love is facing end of life, or if you’re simply curious about the conversations that make this journey more human, we’re here, Join Us!
Reach out. Ask questions. Join Us! Begin the conversation.
Marc D Malamud
Transitioning Doula
🌄 When Your Parents Start Falling Apart
(And You’re Still Trying to Keep It Together)
You know that phrase “when it rains, it pours”? Aging parents have a way of proving it true — often in the moments we least expect.
Sometimes it’s an ER trip that comes out of nowhere.
Sometimes it’s an “I’m fine, but…” phone call.
And sometimes it's something far more final — a moment that stays with you for the rest of your life.
Sometimes it’s an “I’m fine, but…” phone call.
And sometimes it's something far more final — a moment that stays with you for the rest of your life.
I’ve been fortunate to walk with many families through these transitions. But I also walked this road myself — twice.
My dad died in my arms on the way to the bathroom, an ordinary moment that became sacred in an instant.
My mom took her last breath early one morning in a nursing home, after we both woke at the same time and she looked directly into my eyes — a final, quiet connection I’ll never forget.
My dad died in my arms on the way to the bathroom, an ordinary moment that became sacred in an instant.
My mom took her last breath early one morning in a nursing home, after we both woke at the same time and she looked directly into my eyes — a final, quiet connection I’ll never forget.
Those moments changed me.
They’re why I do this work.
They’re why sudden medical events with aging parents hit differently — because I understand just how quickly “manageable” can become “meaningful,” or even “irreversible.”
They’re why I do this work.
They’re why sudden medical events with aging parents hit differently — because I understand just how quickly “manageable” can become “meaningful,” or even “irreversible.”
The Calls That Knock the Wind Out of You
Maybe you’ve gotten these:
“I’m fine, but… I was in urgent care yesterday.”
Casual voice.
Not‑at‑all casual impact.
Not‑at‑all casual impact.
Parents often don’t share things right away because they’re trying to protect you — they see how much you’re already holding. Work. Kids. Life. Stress. Your own body and mind trying their best.
They don’t want to add to that.
But you still want to know.
You still want to help.
You still want to be prepared — even though the truth is, none of us ever fully are.
You still want to help.
You still want to be prepared — even though the truth is, none of us ever fully are.
The “Prepared but Not Prepared” Moment
You can have the paperwork done.
You can have their documents organized.
You can think you’ve covered every base…
You can have their documents organized.
You can think you’ve covered every base…
…and then suddenly realize you’re missing something important.
For many people, it’s medications.
Or specialists.
Or symptoms.
Or who said what at the last appointment.
Or specialists.
Or symptoms.
Or who said what at the last appointment.
This isn’t a failure — it’s just what happens when life shifts roles and responsibilities in ways we didn’t see coming.
A Tool That Actually Helps
While I’m thoughtful about how AI is evolving, I’ve seen real value in AI dictation tools like Granola.ai.
When your parents go to doctor appointments without you, they can record the visit.
The tool turns it into clean summaries, next steps, and important details.
The tool turns it into clean summaries, next steps, and important details.
This does a few things:
- Keeps adult children aligned
- Reduces stress and confusion
- Gives clarity that’s easy to review
- Lets your parents stay present instead of scribbling notes
It doesn’t solve everything, but it supports the parts that often fall through the cracks.
Why This Work Matters to Me
My parents’ deaths, years apart, were two of the most intimate and grounding experiences of my life.
They taught me that aging, illness, caregiving, and dying are not purely medical events — they’re deeply human ones.
They taught me that aging, illness, caregiving, and dying are not purely medical events — they’re deeply human ones.
They taught me:
- Things change quickly
- Preparation matters
- Connection matters more
- And being emotionally supported changes the entire experience
So when I talk about preparing for aging parents… it’s not theoretical.
It’s rooted in the reality of someone who has lived it — personally and professionally.
It’s rooted in the reality of someone who has lived it — personally and professionally.
You Don’t Have to Call Yourself a Caregiver
But if you find yourself:
- Coordinating appointments
- Tracking medications
- Managing crises
- Or simply worrying more than you used to…
…you’re in that role.
It happens gradually, then suddenly.
It happens gradually, then suddenly.
And you don’t have to navigate it alone.
If you’d like support in sorting through all of this — emotionally, practically, or both — you’re welcome to book time to talk with me as your doula here:
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
(Or scan the QR code if you’re seeing this with a visual.)
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
(Or scan the QR code if you’re seeing this with a visual.)
What’s Showing Up For You Right Now?
I’d love to hear:
- What surprises have come up with your parents?
- What’s worrying you?
- Where do you want clarity, direction, or support?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You just need someone who understands the terrain — emotionally and practically.
You just need someone who understands the terrain — emotionally and practically.
I’m here.
And I get it.
And I get it.
In this with you,
Marc
Marc
P.S. If this resonates, share it with someone who’s trying to hold everything together while their parents start to fall apart. And if you want to talk about your specific situation, you can schedule a call with me here:
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
Marc D Malamud
Transitioning Doula
When Your Parents Start Falling Apart
(And You’re Still Trying to Keep It Together
You know that phrase “when it rains, it pours”? Aging parents have a way of proving it true — often in the moments we least expect.
Sometimes it’s an ER trip that comes out of nowhere.
Sometimes it’s an “I’m fine, but…” phone call.
And sometimes it's something far more final — a moment that stays with you for the rest of your life.
Sometimes it’s an “I’m fine, but…” phone call.
And sometimes it's something far more final — a moment that stays with you for the rest of your life.
I’ve been fortunate to walk with many families through these transitions. But I also walked this road myself — twice.
My dad died in my arms on the way to the bathroom, an ordinary moment that became sacred in an instant.
My mom took her last breath early one morning in a nursing home, after we both woke at the same time and she looked directly into my eyes — a final, quiet connection I’ll never forget.
My dad died in my arms on the way to the bathroom, an ordinary moment that became sacred in an instant.
My mom took her last breath early one morning in a nursing home, after we both woke at the same time and she looked directly into my eyes — a final, quiet connection I’ll never forget.
Those moments changed me.
They’re why I do this work.
They’re why sudden medical events with aging parents hit differently — because I understand just how quickly “manageable” can become “meaningful,” or even “irreversible.”
They’re why I do this work.
They’re why sudden medical events with aging parents hit differently — because I understand just how quickly “manageable” can become “meaningful,” or even “irreversible.”
The Calls That Knock the Wind Out of You
Maybe you’ve gotten these:
“I’m fine, but… I was in urgent care yesterday.”
Casual voice.
Not‑at‑all casual impact.
Not‑at‑all casual impact.
Parents often don’t share things right away because they’re trying to protect you — they see how much you’re already holding. Work. Kids. Life. Stress. Your own body and mind trying their best.
They don’t want to add to that.
But you still want to know.
You still want to help.
You still want to be prepared — even though the truth is, none of us ever fully are.
You still want to help.
You still want to be prepared — even though the truth is, none of us ever fully are.
The “Prepared but Not Prepared” Moment
You can have the paperwork done.
You can have their documents organized.
You can think you’ve covered every base…
You can have their documents organized.
You can think you’ve covered every base…
…and then suddenly realize you’re missing something important.
For many people, it’s medications.
Or specialists.
Or symptoms.
Or who said what at the last appointment.
Or specialists.
Or symptoms.
Or who said what at the last appointment.
This isn’t a failure — it’s just what happens when life shifts roles and responsibilities in ways we didn’t see coming.
A Tool That Actually Helps
While I’m thoughtful about how AI is evolving, I’ve seen real value in AI dictation tools like Granola.ai.
When your parents go to doctor appointments without you, they can record the visit.
The tool turns it into clean summaries, next steps, and important details.
The tool turns it into clean summaries, next steps, and important details.
This does a few things:
- Keeps adult children aligned
- Reduces stress and confusion
- Gives clarity that’s easy to review
- Lets your parents stay present instead of scribbling notes
It doesn’t solve everything, but it supports the parts that often fall through the cracks.
Why This Work Matters to Me
My parents’ deaths, years apart, were two of the most intimate and grounding experiences of my life.
They taught me that aging, illness, caregiving, and dying are not purely medical events — they’re deeply human ones.
They taught me that aging, illness, caregiving, and dying are not purely medical events — they’re deeply human ones.
They taught me:
- Things change quickly
- Preparation matters
- Connection matters more
- And being emotionally supported changes the entire experience
So when I talk about preparing for aging parents… it’s not theoretical.
It’s rooted in the reality of someone who has lived it — personally and professionally.
It’s rooted in the reality of someone who has lived it — personally and professionally.
You Don’t Have to Call Yourself a Caregiver
But if you find yourself:
- Coordinating appointments
- Tracking medications
- Managing crises
- Or simply worrying more than you used to…
…you’re in that role.
It happens gradually, then suddenly.
It happens gradually, then suddenly.
And you don’t have to navigate it alone.
If you’d like support in sorting through all of this — emotionally, practically, or both — you’re welcome to book time to talk with me as your doula here:
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
(Or scan the QR code if you’re seeing this with a visual.)
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
(Or scan the QR code if you’re seeing this with a visual.)
What’s Showing Up For You Right Now?
I’d love to hear:
- What surprises have come up with your parents?
- What’s worrying you?
- Where do you want clarity, direction, or support?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You just need someone who understands the terrain — emotionally and practically.
You just need someone who understands the terrain — emotionally and practically.
I’m here.
And I get it.
And I get it.
In this with you,
Marc
Marc
P.S. If this resonates, share it with someone who’s trying to hold everything together while their parents start to fall apart. And if you want to talk about your specific situation, you can schedule a call with me here:
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
Marc D Malamud
Transitioning Doula
When Your Parents Start Falling Apart
(And You’re Still Trying to Keep It Together
You know that phrase “when it rains, it pours”? Aging parents have a way of proving it true — often in the moments we least expect.
Sometimes it’s an ER trip that comes out of nowhere.
Sometimes it’s an “I’m fine, but…” phone call.
And sometimes it's something far more final — a moment that stays with you for the rest of your life.
Sometimes it’s an “I’m fine, but…” phone call.
And sometimes it's something far more final — a moment that stays with you for the rest of your life.
I’ve been fortunate to walk with many families through these transitions. But I also walked this road myself — twice.
My dad died in my arms on the way to the bathroom, an ordinary moment that became sacred in an instant.
My mom took her last breath early one morning in a nursing home, after we both woke at the same time and she looked directly into my eyes — a final, quiet connection I’ll never forget.
My dad died in my arms on the way to the bathroom, an ordinary moment that became sacred in an instant.
My mom took her last breath early one morning in a nursing home, after we both woke at the same time and she looked directly into my eyes — a final, quiet connection I’ll never forget.
Those moments changed me.
They’re why I do this work.
They’re why sudden medical events with aging parents hit differently — because I understand just how quickly “manageable” can become “meaningful,” or even “irreversible.”
They’re why I do this work.
They’re why sudden medical events with aging parents hit differently — because I understand just how quickly “manageable” can become “meaningful,” or even “irreversible.”
The Calls That Knock the Wind Out of You
Maybe you’ve gotten these:
“I’m fine, but… I was in urgent care yesterday.”
Casual voice.
Not‑at‑all casual impact.
Not‑at‑all casual impact.
Parents often don’t share things right away because they’re trying to protect you — they see how much you’re already holding. Work. Kids. Life. Stress. Your own body and mind trying their best.
They don’t want to add to that.
But you still want to know.
You still want to help.
You still want to be prepared — even though the truth is, none of us ever fully are.
You still want to help.
You still want to be prepared — even though the truth is, none of us ever fully are.
The “Prepared but Not Prepared” Moment
You can have the paperwork done.
You can have their documents organized.
You can think you’ve covered every base…
You can have their documents organized.
You can think you’ve covered every base…
…and then suddenly realize you’re missing something important.
For many people, it’s medications.
Or specialists.
Or symptoms.
Or who said what at the last appointment.
Or specialists.
Or symptoms.
Or who said what at the last appointment.
This isn’t a failure — it’s just what happens when life shifts roles and responsibilities in ways we didn’t see coming.
A Tool That Actually Helps
While I’m thoughtful about how AI is evolving, I’ve seen real value in AI dictation tools like Granola.ai.
When your parents go to doctor appointments without you, they can record the visit.
The tool turns it into clean summaries, next steps, and important details.
The tool turns it into clean summaries, next steps, and important details.
This does a few things:
- Keeps adult children aligned
- Reduces stress and confusion
- Gives clarity that’s easy to review
- Lets your parents stay present instead of scribbling notes
It doesn’t solve everything, but it supports the parts that often fall through the cracks.
Why This Work Matters to Me
My parents’ deaths, years apart, were two of the most intimate and grounding experiences of my life.
They taught me that aging, illness, caregiving, and dying are not purely medical events — they’re deeply human ones.
They taught me that aging, illness, caregiving, and dying are not purely medical events — they’re deeply human ones.
They taught me:
- Things change quickly
- Preparation matters
- Connection matters more
- And being emotionally supported changes the entire experience
So when I talk about preparing for aging parents… it’s not theoretical.
It’s rooted in the reality of someone who has lived it — personally and professionally.
It’s rooted in the reality of someone who has lived it — personally and professionally.
You Don’t Have to Call Yourself a Caregiver
But if you find yourself:
- Coordinating appointments
- Tracking medications
- Managing crises
- Or simply worrying more than you used to…
…you’re in that role.
It happens gradually, then suddenly.
It happens gradually, then suddenly.
And you don’t have to navigate it alone.
If you’d like support in sorting through all of this — emotionally, practically, or both — you’re welcome to book time to talk with me as your doula here:
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
(Or scan the QR code if you’re seeing this with a visual.)
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
(Or scan the QR code if you’re seeing this with a visual.)
What’s Showing Up For You Right Now?
I’d love to hear:
- What surprises have come up with your parents?
- What’s worrying you?
- Where do you want clarity, direction, or support?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You just need someone who understands the terrain — emotionally and practically.
You just need someone who understands the terrain — emotionally and practically.
I’m here.
And I get it.
And I get it.
In this with you,
Marc
Marc
P.S. If this resonates, share it with someone who’s trying to hold everything together while their parents start to fall apart. And if you want to talk about your specific situation, you can schedule a call with me here:
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
👉 https://bit.ly/Doula_call
Marc D Malamud
Transitioning Doula
Subcategories
Obituaries & Memorials
At Transitioning Doula, we believe that love continues long after a last breath.
This space is devoted to tender remembrance—a place to share stories, blessings, and the everyday moments that made each life uniquely precious. Through these tributes, we honor each beloved soul’s transition, hold their spirit close, and gently accompany the hearts who continue on without them.
This space is devoted to tender remembrance—a place to share stories, blessings, and the everyday moments that made each life uniquely precious. Through these tributes, we honor each beloved soul’s transition, hold their spirit close, and gently accompany the hearts who continue on without them.